hi. day 4.

hi.

i tried to meditate today.
straight back. sitting. crossed legs. closed eyes. hands on knees. deep breathes.
and all of a sudden, eyes started to water. breath became incoherent. hands on the face. slouched back.
and uneasy heart.
and wandering mind.

chaotic thoughts that never make sense.
confused feelings that only make it worse.

and everything is just a mess.

broken smile. forced laugh. bottled emotions.
happy face.

i don't feel better.
i thought i would.

heart hurts.
mind hurts.
body hurts.

a healthy mind in a healthy body.
what about heart?

i hope that nothing matters.

i hope that i'd make up my mind. someday.
hopefully.

do i deserve such a luxury as hope?
do i deserve anything?

does it all matter?