feels

hi.

i tried to meditate today.
straight back. sitting. crossed legs. closed eyes. hands on knees. deep breathes.
and all of a sudden, eyes started to water. breath became incoherent. hands on the face. slouched back.
and uneasy heart.
and wandering mind.

chaotic thoughts that never make sense.
confused feelings that only make it worse.

and everything is just a mess.

broken smile. forced laugh. bottled emotions.
happy face.

i don't feel better.
i thought i would.

heart hurts.
mind hurts.
body hurts.

a healthy mind in a healthy body.
what about heart?

i hope that nothing matters.

i hope that i'd make up my mind. someday.
hopefully.

do i deserve such a luxury as hope?
do i deserve anything?

does it all matter?

hi.

nothing makes sense.

hi.

it's kinda cold right now. i am shivering.

i ate too much today.
i binged. again.
it's been long time since i haven't done it.

stomach hurts.
hate myself.
feeling big.

i feel... weird.
maybe he tries to manipulate me.
maybe he doesn't.
feels like he does.
"you won't find someone better than me. i am the best option"
is he the best?
idk. too stressed.

stressed and binge.

group work.
i don't know what to do.
feel like a burden.
scared.
scattered all over the place.
thoughts.
where to begin?
can i do anything?
am i useful?
am i good?
am i?
am i anything?

i constantly regret everything. didn't say right. didn't say anything. stayed silent. said wrong. didn't do this. did this. shouldn't have done it. should have done that. why am i constantly doing it? why i can't feel whole? why i can't be me. is there me? am i even real? do i live? do i just exist? who am i? what am i? i am so tired of this. so sick and tired. i wish, i just really wish that all of my wishes from the past years would come true. it's just one simple wish. just one. the one that i repeat like mantra every damn time i get the chance for a magic to happen. but don't have guts to do it myself. hate myself.

i am a coward. i am... a coward.
i am like dad.
i am like mom.
both of worse combined together.

i am a fucking coward.
fucking hate myself.
please, anyone, please, just end it.
i am tired.

good night.

hi

i... don't know what to write. i just had this feel or urge to write. maybe it'll make me feel easier, more relieved. i hope so.

i am tired.

i had to go to uni today. i woke up early and just stayed in bed. still in bed.
i feel already like a failure. can't concentrate on studying. it's hard.
my head is just filled with so many thoughts in my head, and none of them make sense. none.
i wish i made sense too. but i don't.
i got everything, yet i feel sad and depressed.
so many i's, so selfish, huh.

static noise in my head. everything is buzzing. yet there's no sound.
it's as i am yelling in space.

too scared to die.
too scared to live.

wish my 18 birthday was last. wish that i had guts to stay longer.
wish i was dead by now.

i better off dead
for everyone
even for myself

my skin is clean. for now. the thoughts don't leave me.

is there still time?