hi. day 2.

hi.

it's kinda cold right now. i am shivering.

i ate too much today.
i binged. again.
it's been long time since i haven't done it.

stomach hurts.
hate myself.
feeling big.

i feel... weird.
maybe he tries to manipulate me.
maybe he doesn't.
feels like he does.
"you won't find someone better than me. i am the best option"
is he the best?
idk. too stressed.

stressed and binge.

group work.
i don't know what to do.
feel like a burden.
scared.
scattered all over the place.
thoughts.
where to begin?
can i do anything?
am i useful?
am i good?
am i?
am i anything?

i constantly regret everything. didn't say right. didn't say anything. stayed silent. said wrong. didn't do this. did this. shouldn't have done it. should have done that. why am i constantly doing it? why i can't feel whole? why i can't be me. is there me? am i even real? do i live? do i just exist? who am i? what am i? i am so tired of this. so sick and tired. i wish, i just really wish that all of my wishes from the past years would come true. it's just one simple wish. just one. the one that i repeat like mantra every damn time i get the chance for a magic to happen. but don't have guts to do it myself. hate myself.

i am a coward. i am... a coward.
i am like dad.
i am like mom.
both of worse combined together.

i am a fucking coward.
fucking hate myself.
please, anyone, please, just end it.
i am tired.

good night.